Letting go isn’t easy.
Especially when it means watching your kid spreading out his wings and taking flight to a distant place.
A place so far away that you have to consider the time zones to call him on face time.
Even though you know that his wings are strong enough and this letting go is inevitable…
I am not ready.. ….Even after all the six months of preparation.
I realize that I am malfunctioning.
I feel like a puppet with a broken string .
My home feels empty and I do not know how to fill the vacuity. The exchanges happening among us at home are largely robotic or stale .
I miss HIM ..THE BOY …and everything about him.
When it comes to showing emotions, he has taken after my Dad. He is restrained, which often borders between impassive and distant .The only living being on whom he showers his boundless fondness is towards our dog , Copper .
For us, the remaining humans at home, it is mostly smiles or a hug on the odd occasion. His response to “I love You ” or “Miss You” is a grunt or “hmm” or something like .””v you too”‘ with the first three alphabets compressed to a “v” sound.
I let him get away with it , because I know that being aloof on the outside is how we conceal the pain . The outward cool is just a way to hide the raging waves of agony from wrecking havoc on his composure .
I miss him…
He turns Switzerland when I argue with his father .. Running away with his ” I am outta here ” dialogue .
But comes back to chuckle when I win, even though he is a father’s boy through and through.
The cords which bind him to me are unique and telepathic. He reads me inside out .
To hide things from him I need to think like someone else because he knows the intricacies of my thought process just like the way I know his.
He makes me the coolest in my generation through the tidbits I pick up from the conversations we have.
In his absence, I realize that he was my backbone, my support system, the reason behind my culinary festivities , the point for my perfect smile…
I feel like part of a family which was skewed from square to an equilateral triangle.
I am being ungrateful and unfair in a way. Because I am still held grounded by an unassailable cord of devotion . The one who worships me on a pedestal and proudly declares his status as a Momma’s boy .
I will be healed by this little angel by my side , the child of my heart …This I know.
As of now I am letting go the child of my head and reason .